rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
