mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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