i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
