So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
