At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You are a genius and a whore.
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