Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
