He had one of those small greek statue penises
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
