Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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