Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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