I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
