Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
