shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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