I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
