I showed him my bush... on skype.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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