roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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