So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
