Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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