I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
