i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
