Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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