My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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