You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
