This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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