Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
