I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
