she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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