can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
