drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
