Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
