Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
