I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
