1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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