you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
