dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
