OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
