And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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