My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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