I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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