a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
where does the pee come out of this thing
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
