Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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