Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
