operation have a gay friend backfired
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
