Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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