Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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