Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
