Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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