I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
