I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
