We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
