In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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