The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
