Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
